Never Think
by Hawkins
Summary: Written to Robert Pattinson's "Never Think", a songfic from Edwards POV while Bella was in the hospital in Phoenix. Patience doesn't come easy for this eternal creature.


Robert Pattinson owns Never Think, I own this story. Stephenie Meyer's all of the Twilight realm. I only thought it was appropriate for this song to be the anthem to Edward's guilt and angst of causing Bella pain. I hope you enjoy this. Please review and let me know what you think!

Thanks again to Verolina for BETA reading this for me before I posted it. Her suggestions made this a much better story than it would have been without it.

~*~*~*~

When you have all the time in the world, patience normally comes easy. One day slides into the next with only the rise and fall of the sun as evidence. What's a couple of minutes or days when you have all of eternity? But when it comes to waiting until the love of your life is going to open her eyes again, patience is nonexistent. I dare any one to utter that curse word in front of me.

_I should never think  
What's in your heart  
What's in our home  
It's all I want_

I have not left Bella's bedside for more than a few minutes, only enough time to run back to the hotel and change my clothes. My guilt of putting her in this position was eating a hole in my stomach. Carlisle had warned me to hunt, to not let myself be tempted around Bella, but he didn't understand that I had enough of her blood to last me a lifetime. I would never have the urge to taste it again, knowing that it would only bring back the horrific memories of the unfortunate dance studio. Jasper and Emmett burned the whole building down, a precaution as they put it. Alice, also, had too much fun creating the accident scene for where Bella supposedly fell out of a window. Bella's reputation for clumsiness, and being a frequent flyer to this hospital, was the key to allowing our story to be accepted without any further investigation. However, if it had come to that, I'm sure Rosalie would have willingly played the part of convincing the local police, to protect our family only. She owed no favors to Bella.

_You'll learn to hate me  
But still you call me baby  
Oh Love  
So call me by my name _

What a strange girl that I loved, to readily accept a family of vampires into her life, and not be afraid. Her selfless nature not allowing her to think of the risks that came along with this decision. The risks that put her here. My guilt flared up again, like the monster I believed I was. The burning sensation worst than that of thirst.

_  
_This whole incident was my fault. My selfish nature, to have her in every aspect of my life, it is why I took her to that baseball field that stormy afternoon. Her alluring blood drew me in, her closed mind made me stay. Every part of my lifeless being needed to be connected to her. If only I had not listened to her but instead taken her away myself, run away together where James couldn't follow us. Our family owned enough properties around the world; we wouldn't have had to stay in one place long. I had trusted her life, my life, to my brother and sister. Alice had assured me nothing would go wrong letting me see her vision of Bella unharmed, but she had not taken in account Bella's selflessness, willing to give up anything to make others happy, even her own life. The satisfaction of being the one to rip that monster apart would have been an even trade for forgiveness, but there were more pressing matters at the time.

_And save your soul  
save your soul  
Before you're too far gone  
Before nothing can be done  
_

The sudden commotion of thoughts, positive and negative, started to flow through my head as the nurses' shift changed. The ones that had been on for the last eight hours were thankful to be leaving and to get off their feet, while the ones just starting were pleading for a calm and easy night. Bella's nurse came in to begin her rounds, flashing me a quick smile as she had the night before.

_  
I'll try to decide where  
She'll lie in the end  
I ain't got no fight in me  
In this whole damn world  
_

I preferred this nurse over the others, her mind more pure and focused on the patient than the inhuman-like visitor that never left her side. Checking Bella's stats, I followed the nurse's procedures and comments through her thoughts, relieved as she remarked on the progress of the injuries. My eyes affected by the guilt did not seem to accept the fact that Bella was getting better everyday. Laying still in that hospital bed, made her look more broken and fragile than ever. The nurse switched the IV bags, and nodded to me as she left, signaling that I could return to the privacy.

_Tell you to hold off  
You choose to hold on  
It's the one thing that I've known  
_

My phone started to buzz silently, and I had the receiver to my head before the first ring was emitted.

"Yes Alice?" I answered. Turning towards the window of Bella's room, I looked out over the desert landscape. The warmth of the surrounding area reminded me too much of her closed eyes. Hopefully she was calling with good news, and not pleading for me to forgive her.

"Renee is on her way back, and Bella should be awake within the half hour," she warned me quickly.

"Thank you, Alice."

"I'm sorry again, Edward, but you will forgive me soon." I hung up the phone before I could respond to her. I was still trying to convince myself that this wasn't partially her fault for letting Bella out of her sight. But I would forgive her, eventually. I sat back down on the bed of my fragile love. All of the tubes attached to her body and the standard issue hospital gown still could not put a dent into her beauty.

_Once I put my coat on  
I'm coming out of this all wrong  
She's standing outside holding me  
Saying oh please  
I'm in love  
I'm in love  
_

If only Bella would be willing to leave me and live a happy normal life without me. She could be married, have kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. Was that too much to ask of her? To be human? I picked her hand up carefully, and held it to my cheek. Feeling the warm pulse through her skin was comforting. As long as that pulse existed, I would be happy. As long as that heart beat, I would exist.

_Girl save your soul  
Go on save your soul  
Before it's too far gone  
And before nothing can be done  
_

Renee's scattered thoughts started to flow down the hallway towards Bella's room. I knew my alone time would be coming to an end, and went to sit back down on the other side of the room, where I would once again pretend to be sleeping. She was stopped outside momentarily by one of the nurses, receiving the same update I got from the nurses' thoughts.

_  
'Cause without me  
You got it all  
So hold on  
_

Renee walked into the room, first letting her eyes fall onto her daughter, and then onto me. She strolled over to me, her thoughts playing into the few maternal instincts I have been able to pick up from her. Bella had always exhibited the parental role in their relationship. Renee placed her hand on mine, startled a bit by the coldness. Pulling the spare blanket off Bella's bed, she covered me with the motherly gesture. I acted like the action had woke me up, stirring slowly like a human would.

_Without me you got it all  
So hold on  
_

"How is she?" I asked**, **making my voice groggy as if from sleep. I would play the charade of having slept longer. Hopefully the nurse wouldn't give away my secret.

"Good, the nurse said she is progressing quickly, and hopefully will be alert soon." She watched me kindly, reviewing my actions from the last couple of days, seeing the love I already had for Bella. The love that put her in this hospital in the first place. "Why don't you go back to the hotel and rest? I can call you when she wakes up. You have barely left this room," her motherly instinct kicking in once again.

"Thank you for your concern, but I am fine here. These chairs are surprisingly comfortable." I could stand for days and still be comfortable. Not even the human charade would make me leave my love. If only she could leave me, if I had the strength to leave her, her life would be so much easier. "But I may rest my eyes again, if you don't mind." I curled back up into a stiff ball, hoping it looked like a position that someone could sleep in. This position eased the guilt slightly. Renee paid me no more attention, sitting in the seat beside Bella's bed and watched her sleep.

_Without me you got it all  
Without me you got it all  
So hold on  
_

Renee's thoughts came in a steady stream through my head, bouncing back and forth from Bella, to Phil, to Charlie, and occasionally lingering on me and my family. She was trying to figure out what was so different about us, but something would distract her before she could string any information together.

_Without me you got it all  
So hold on  
_

Her thoughts were suddenly very jumbled and excited. Bella was stirring, she was about to open her warm chocolate eyes, the ones I've been longing to see for so long.

"Bella, honey?" I could see her deep brown eyes in Renee's mind as they opened slowly. Renee's mind did no justice to Bella's beautiful eyes. I couldn't resist sneaking a peek of her, to see the true image myself, quickly opening one eye as she tried to sit up. Bella blinked the blur away and focused on her mother.

_Without me you got it all  
So hold on _

Run, Bella. Run before my selfishness dooms you to an eternal hell.

_Hold on _


End file.
